God and I have been in a squabble lately.
I have been reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown–a really good book, but no thank you. One of the chapters began talking about the power of love and belonging. I happened to underline every word. Kidding, but it was an abnormal amount. Here is a quote from this chapter:
“When we can let go of what other people think and own our story we gain access to our worthiness… When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.”
*nervous laughter* @ me next time Brené, JEEZ. I think I have told y’all before, but I’m the broken girl. A lot of people put their identity into sports, school, family, etc.–positive things. I, however, feel like I am the person who has been through so much and you can just see it written on my forehead. I don’t know if I think that is weak or empowering, but it is confusing that’s for sure. I don’t know if I am distancing myself from my brokenness, or the fact that I don’t think I am able to be healed, or… wait. Yep, that’s it.
Can I be healed? The Lord often asks me if I want to be healed and of course, I say yes, but deep down I don’t think I can be. How can I be healed without forgetting my whole past? How can I not forget my past and not feel pain? Is the state of ~healed~ painful too?
I was praying with all of these questions and Dad (God) just goes, “Scars”. It was so sarcastic and I was so annoyed because it was one word and I didn’t know what He meant. And guess what? He said it again, “Scars”.
“When you get cut that deep you will heal, but it is still noticeably there. And you are remembering it because it matters, not because it shouldn’t. It should.”
Ok, I understand a little bit more now, but now what? How can I know when I am healed?
“This is your life. These memories and moments will not go away because they are a part of your story and I have allowed you to experience them to make you into the daughter you are today. Your worth has never, is, and will never be in your brokenness. You will still feel pain because you love. You will feel pain because your story CANNOT be separated from you no matter how hard you try. Stop trying and you will be healed. I gave you a promise of healing. It may be on this side of Heaven or the next, but I will heal you. In healing you will feel to the fullest whether good or bad, you will acknowledge your scars, and you will rest in the assurance that there is hope.”
I think this will be an ongoing conversation for quite a while. I know healing is different for everyone, but the Lord doesn’t see the ‘difficult’ parts of your life as obstacles. We might think He does, but in reality, that is where He desires to sit. He wants to dig out these painful parts of our lives and fill them with grace. Not so we may be painless or brainwashed, but so that we may own the story He has blessed us with and use it to guide others to Him.
This is going to HURT!! However, I encourage you to seek out who you think you are supposed to be, who you want to be, and who the Lord is calling you to be. Do they align? What are you distancing yourself from that is making you hustle for your worthiness? What is healing to you?
He wants to heal you. Let Him.
Amor Vincit Omnia|Love Conquers All