A dating fast for 6 months. Why the HECK would anyone do that to themselves? What even is that? Out of your own free will? Yes—it’s me, Devyn. I did do this to myself, and all of this will be answered.

Like most people, I am my own worst critic. In July, I had a conversation with my friend Dylan that led me to an existential crisis. Apparently, I didn’t let people love me—YIKES. I knew I mildly disliked myself, but I never thought I didn’t let people love me because I LOVE love!!

Around the end of July, I was feeling really overwhelmed, lost, and broken. It felt like all of the busyness and worrying about things that didn’t matter finally caught up to me. I never really took the time to take care of myself and the important things like mental and physical health. If I’m being completely honest, I relied solely on other worldly people for my happiness—often boys. It got to the point (and I hate to say it now) where these boys were my God. I looked to these boys as my Savior when I knew deep down, they would fail me—only God can give me what I need. My priorities were completely out of WACK and I knew that needed to change.

I went into adoration one day feeling very uneasy and I asked God for guidance. I had been thinking about going on a dating fast for a while after hearing about it through FOCUS and other things. I straight up asked Him, “Am I supposed to go on a dating fast?” I immediately felt a wave of relief; I knew this is what I needed to do. I went out and bought books and told friends, so I could be held accountable. I really had no idea how this fast was going to change me, but HOLY MOLY it did. I set goals for myself: be able to love myself, look at men as brothers in Christ rather than possible mates, strengthen my relationship with God, etc.

I could feel myself struggling right off the bat. I met this guy who started pursuing me romantically and I didn’t know what to do. I was honestly talking to God like, “Really? After all of this time where he could have come into my life, now is when you want it? Yeah okay.” After about a week of confusion, I remained determined on my goals for the dating fast and respectively rejected that relationship for the time being. It truly made me so much stronger and helped me see men as my friends and as my brothers in Christ from the very beginning. Before the fast started I would see a man and talk to him for maybe two seconds and think to myself, “DANG would he look nice in a charcoal tuxedo?” Like what the HECK is wrong with you Dev??? I could not control my emotional chastity by any means–I saw every guy as possibly ‘the one’.

The greatest impact, the thing that truly changed me the most, was a health class—weird, right? We did an exercise on happiness. At the end of the exercise, our professor had us write down something we were ashamed of, and she told us to fold it up and put it in our pocket. After that she told us we needed to write a letter, forgiving ourselves for what we did on that little scrap of paper because we cannot change the past. I took this assignment to adoration and once I started writing I had tears rolling down my face. I was able to write down the words, “I’m proud to be myself.” I cannot tell y’all how hard that would have been for me a couple of months ago. I had no idea how much I despised myself and it broke me. As a child of God, an image-bearer of our creator, how can I hate myself? If I truly love God… there is no possible way not to love ME. That realization came to me a couple of months later, but it was truly mind-blowing to me.

As I slowly began to reach my goals, taking one tiny step at a time, I could see myself letting people in. I finally began to accept the love I so freely give to others. Once I finally understood that God was within me, I could not deny that love. I had been deprived of it, and I had pushed it away for so long that I did not realize the joy I was longing for.

Sitting in adoration at SEEK2019, I was listening to the worship music. I heard the words, “You will never see the way he looks at me.” I broke down. After six months of ups, downs, strides, and struggles—I finally know who I am. NO, I know whose I am. The Father’s gaze has completely changed the way I see myself. We are all such individualistic and special children to our Savior, and it is such a gift to finally realize that. This fast was the best decision I have ever made, and I cannot thank God enough for setting me on this path.

Amor Vincit Omnia|Love Conquers All

Devyn