“Pride keeps [the soul] in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is it willing, to probe with precision the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery.” -St. Faustina

I am currently reading St. Faustina’s diary, and when I read these lines my mind completely froze, because this is my soul. These past couple of weeks have really taken a toll on my soul. The Lord has slowly (and painfully) been peeling these masks off of my soul that I hold on to so tightly. I am the type of person who would rather suppress certain miseries and cover them with a mask rather than show my true feelings. I do all of this and tell myself that I am happy even when it’s not true. I cover my soul with layers of masks that are prohibiting me from being authentically loved by others and ultimately by God.

My first semester of college was difficult for multiple reasons. I think the main reason was that God was slowly showing me how wounded I really was. There were wounds that I didn’t even know existed because I am that good at pushing down these miseries. I had some wounds that I caused myself, but a majority of the wounds were caused by other people. I like to think of myself as a strong independent person who a) doesn’t really need other people’s help with my problems and b) won’t let anyone get to me. So, this means if someone hurts me, I will ignore it, cover it up with a mask, and pretend that I am alright. However, this lie can’t last forever. Eventually, this pain grows to the point where I can’t ignore it anymore.

I completely ignored these wounds and I was doing a good job of it—then SEEK happened. I went to this talk called “Seeking Healing Through Forgiveness” by Sr. Miriam James Heidland. She said, “You can’t ignore a wound.” And at that moment, I felt the weight of all my miseries on my soul. I felt my heart physically ache to the point where I couldn’t even pay attention to the talk anymore. I knew that not letting myself face these pains had taken a toll on me and that it was time to start healing them. The problem was that I had been suppressing and masking so many wounds that I didn’t know what to do or where to begin.

I began by inviting God into my healing and asking him to show me which masks he wanted me to deal with first and so on. The first couple were little baby wounds and I dealt with them fairly easily. However, this past week, God started to slowly peel off a mask that was covering a gigantic wound that someone had caused me. This was not a particularly fun wound to deal with because it involves me forgiving someone who will probably never know how much pain they caused me. I asked God to fill the depths of this wound with His light and give me the grace to forgive the one who hurt me. By inviting God into this act of forgiveness, I am truly letting go of this wound and letting God begin to refill this space in my soul with His love.

I don’t know what wounds you have and how many masks are covering your soul, but I can tell you that you will never regret asking God to take them off. You were not called to live a life covering your soul in masks. You were made to live a life where your soul can be completely engulfed in God’s love. How is he supposed to do that when we are constantly putting masks in between us and Him? The process of taking the masks off can be painful and long but in the end, your soul will finally be freed. I am not even close to having my soul completely unmasked, but I can’t wait to be loved the way that God created me to be loved.

In Christ,
Ava